#20

So it's almost 6am and I haven't been to sleep yet. It's been like this a lot lately. Usually I'll stay up really late and then end up crying so hard to where I can't breathe and I end up falling asleep. And then I'll wake up at like 3 in the afternoon and my boring day routine repeats.

Things have been...difficult lately. I've been thinking about him more often now; Ian. It gets worse every day since I'm usually down in my room all day...alone. That's how I always am...alone. I guess that's who I'll always be. The girl who cries over the dumbest things and keeps to herself and is alone.

Everyone always tries to help. Hell, just a few nights ago I tried to kill myself but, of course, my friend's ended up stopping me. Sometimes I feel like it's the easy way out. Killing myself? Like if I did it then I wouldn't have to feel anymore of this unwanted pain. That maybe if I did it I would help all my friends. Then they wouldn't have to hear me bitch and cry about the dumbest things.

It's really hard though. Everyone always comes to me for relationship advice and it's like...I have no fucking idea. I can't help them. I couldn't even save my own fucking relationship from ending. I'm a mess. Why would they want my help? I'd probably just end up fucking up their relationship.

I keep hearing these voices too. Mostly? It's just the words repeating over and over in my head from when Ian broke up with me. Isn't that pathetic? It's almost been 2 years and I'm still holding on to a pathetic dream of us getting back together. I want to move on. I do. But let's face it. Who would love me? I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm not smart, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm useless. Who would love someone like me? Nobody...nobody would and nobody does.

I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm useless. I don't know what to do at this point. College is over for about a month...and now. Now I'm all alone. These are supposed to be my best years. I'm not supposed to be wanting to die and kill myself and cry and be alone. I'm supposed to be partying and meeting new people. But I can't help it. I can't help it because this isn't how I planned it to go. I didn't plan on staying in Ft. Thomas after I graduated. I didn't plan on still living in my parents house. I planned on moving away. I planned on moving in with him. I planned on marrying him.

But it never happened.

And hell...I can't even tell Danny all this stuff. Because Danny wants me to give up on Ian. So it's not like I can talk to him about it. He's the only one who would understand what I'm going through. But I hardly even talk to him anymore. I get to talk to him maybe once a month. That's it. But he is always there when I need him. It's like this single goes off in his head saying "Laura needs help. Come save her again." Because I just messaged him last night and he came on today. He's a good friend...and I wish I could talk to him about this stuff.

And Cheesy and Ashley. I wish I could tell them, but they wouldn't understand. I've told them so many things about Ian and me being together and our relationship...but I can't talk to them about this. They haven't been through what I have. I left Cheesy a message on her phone the other night. The night I tried to kill myself. I don't think she knows that I tried to kill myself, but I worried her. She even told Jake B. and he texted me and everyone got all worried over nothing. It would have been better for everyone if it worked. If I actually had killed myself. I have a feeling that one day...I just don't know how much longer I can take this pain.

Because I'm breaking. Even more than before. I want the voices to stop. I want the pain to stop. I just want it all to stop.

But it's not stopping.

And I'm falling.

-Laura