It's been a couple of months since I've written. A lot of stuff has happened since then. So I guess I shall update you blog on everything that's going on.
Well, first off, Christmas came and went along with New Years. I can't believe it's 2012. But, ya know, it is. lol I kind of wish I could freeze time, because it's just going by too fast. I need to catch up. XD
I started a new semester of college. And so far it's going shitty. Just because of Anthropology. Other then that...well, that's all really.
I also got a job. I'm in training for tech support for AT&T. But I don't know if that's going to last long, because Anthropology is getting in the way. If I can't get out of Anthro early, then I can't work there. Because I can't be late every Monday/Wednesday/Friday for the next few weeks. I'll get fired. And I don't know what to do. >_<
Moving on...Oh! Did I tell you that my ex boyfriend is an ASSHOLE?! Yeah. He loves me. And he misses me. And he cares about me. But he doesn't want to talk to me. That's what he told Danny. How stupid is that? I feel so pissed and hurt. I just...everything is just so crap right now. I'm hurt, I'm busy, I'm a mess. Everything is just so shit. Fuck everything.
Other then that. Nothing else is going on. I'll try to update again soon.
-Laura
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
#20
So it's almost 6am and I haven't been to sleep yet. It's been like this a lot lately. Usually I'll stay up really late and then end up crying so hard to where I can't breathe and I end up falling asleep. And then I'll wake up at like 3 in the afternoon and my boring day routine repeats.
Things have been...difficult lately. I've been thinking about him more often now; Ian. It gets worse every day since I'm usually down in my room all day...alone. That's how I always am...alone. I guess that's who I'll always be. The girl who cries over the dumbest things and keeps to herself and is alone.
Everyone always tries to help. Hell, just a few nights ago I tried to kill myself but, of course, my friend's ended up stopping me. Sometimes I feel like it's the easy way out. Killing myself? Like if I did it then I wouldn't have to feel anymore of this unwanted pain. That maybe if I did it I would help all my friends. Then they wouldn't have to hear me bitch and cry about the dumbest things.
It's really hard though. Everyone always comes to me for relationship advice and it's like...I have no fucking idea. I can't help them. I couldn't even save my own fucking relationship from ending. I'm a mess. Why would they want my help? I'd probably just end up fucking up their relationship.
I keep hearing these voices too. Mostly? It's just the words repeating over and over in my head from when Ian broke up with me. Isn't that pathetic? It's almost been 2 years and I'm still holding on to a pathetic dream of us getting back together. I want to move on. I do. But let's face it. Who would love me? I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm not smart, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm useless. Who would love someone like me? Nobody...nobody would and nobody does.
I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm useless. I don't know what to do at this point. College is over for about a month...and now. Now I'm all alone. These are supposed to be my best years. I'm not supposed to be wanting to die and kill myself and cry and be alone. I'm supposed to be partying and meeting new people. But I can't help it. I can't help it because this isn't how I planned it to go. I didn't plan on staying in Ft. Thomas after I graduated. I didn't plan on still living in my parents house. I planned on moving away. I planned on moving in with him. I planned on marrying him.
But it never happened.
And hell...I can't even tell Danny all this stuff. Because Danny wants me to give up on Ian. So it's not like I can talk to him about it. He's the only one who would understand what I'm going through. But I hardly even talk to him anymore. I get to talk to him maybe once a month. That's it. But he is always there when I need him. It's like this single goes off in his head saying "Laura needs help. Come save her again." Because I just messaged him last night and he came on today. He's a good friend...and I wish I could talk to him about this stuff.
And Cheesy and Ashley. I wish I could tell them, but they wouldn't understand. I've told them so many things about Ian and me being together and our relationship...but I can't talk to them about this. They haven't been through what I have. I left Cheesy a message on her phone the other night. The night I tried to kill myself. I don't think she knows that I tried to kill myself, but I worried her. She even told Jake B. and he texted me and everyone got all worried over nothing. It would have been better for everyone if it worked. If I actually had killed myself. I have a feeling that one day...I just don't know how much longer I can take this pain.
Because I'm breaking. Even more than before. I want the voices to stop. I want the pain to stop. I just want it all to stop.
But it's not stopping.
And I'm falling.
-Laura
Things have been...difficult lately. I've been thinking about him more often now; Ian. It gets worse every day since I'm usually down in my room all day...alone. That's how I always am...alone. I guess that's who I'll always be. The girl who cries over the dumbest things and keeps to herself and is alone.
Everyone always tries to help. Hell, just a few nights ago I tried to kill myself but, of course, my friend's ended up stopping me. Sometimes I feel like it's the easy way out. Killing myself? Like if I did it then I wouldn't have to feel anymore of this unwanted pain. That maybe if I did it I would help all my friends. Then they wouldn't have to hear me bitch and cry about the dumbest things.
It's really hard though. Everyone always comes to me for relationship advice and it's like...I have no fucking idea. I can't help them. I couldn't even save my own fucking relationship from ending. I'm a mess. Why would they want my help? I'd probably just end up fucking up their relationship.
I keep hearing these voices too. Mostly? It's just the words repeating over and over in my head from when Ian broke up with me. Isn't that pathetic? It's almost been 2 years and I'm still holding on to a pathetic dream of us getting back together. I want to move on. I do. But let's face it. Who would love me? I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm not smart, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm useless. Who would love someone like me? Nobody...nobody would and nobody does.
I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm useless. I don't know what to do at this point. College is over for about a month...and now. Now I'm all alone. These are supposed to be my best years. I'm not supposed to be wanting to die and kill myself and cry and be alone. I'm supposed to be partying and meeting new people. But I can't help it. I can't help it because this isn't how I planned it to go. I didn't plan on staying in Ft. Thomas after I graduated. I didn't plan on still living in my parents house. I planned on moving away. I planned on moving in with him. I planned on marrying him.
But it never happened.
And hell...I can't even tell Danny all this stuff. Because Danny wants me to give up on Ian. So it's not like I can talk to him about it. He's the only one who would understand what I'm going through. But I hardly even talk to him anymore. I get to talk to him maybe once a month. That's it. But he is always there when I need him. It's like this single goes off in his head saying "Laura needs help. Come save her again." Because I just messaged him last night and he came on today. He's a good friend...and I wish I could talk to him about this stuff.
And Cheesy and Ashley. I wish I could tell them, but they wouldn't understand. I've told them so many things about Ian and me being together and our relationship...but I can't talk to them about this. They haven't been through what I have. I left Cheesy a message on her phone the other night. The night I tried to kill myself. I don't think she knows that I tried to kill myself, but I worried her. She even told Jake B. and he texted me and everyone got all worried over nothing. It would have been better for everyone if it worked. If I actually had killed myself. I have a feeling that one day...I just don't know how much longer I can take this pain.
Because I'm breaking. Even more than before. I want the voices to stop. I want the pain to stop. I just want it all to stop.
But it's not stopping.
And I'm falling.
-Laura
Monday, November 21, 2011
#19
So I haven't written in a while. I guess I should update a little bit on what's been happening lately.
The first semester of college has gone great. Yeah, I dropped 2 classes, but that's part of college. Trying new things and figuring out if it's going to work or not. So I dropped them. Scheduling for next semester is next Monday. I'm freaking out because I don't know what to take yet. =/ I'll figure it out though. Maybe something fun. I don't know.
So about a month ago I requested tickets to The Ellen Show...and I got them! I actually got the tickets! I can't believe it! My sister, Ashley, and I are flying to California on February 2nd and will be there until the 5th. I'm so happy! I love Ellen so much! But I'm freaking out because I've never been on a plane before. =S I hope it goes fine. All three of us are afraid of flying. XD This is going to be bad. lol
And so I found out recently that Joe is in a relationship. I don't know the girl, but I'm a bit sad. I waited too long to tell him how I felt. I guess that's what I get, right? But I guess it's okay, because...because I'm not over Ian yet.
There's a part of me that sometimes is okay with him being gone. But there are other days where I just feel like giving up because I don't have him in my life anymore. He was my support system. He gave me courage and the hope to keep pushing myself. But now that's gone. And I feel helpless. I feel like I'm going to fail without him. And it sucks. I just really miss him. And at the same time I hate him so much. How is this possible? I should hate him completely for living me for the 3rd time. But...I can't completely hate him. And I was going to spend my life with him. Now that high school is over it feels weird. I always had this plan that after I graduated we would run off together and live together and be happy. But it never came since he broke up with me at the end of my junior year. Of course, right? Right when it was almost time for us to happen...he left. He left Tennessee and moved to Florida. And it hurts. Because I have no way of speaking to him anymore. I just...I want to be with him. And I want to talk to him. But I can't. And it sucks. It kills me.
Well, now I'm getting myself down too much. Plus it's 4am and I have class in 7 hours. I should go to sleep. XD
Goodnight!
-Laura
The first semester of college has gone great. Yeah, I dropped 2 classes, but that's part of college. Trying new things and figuring out if it's going to work or not. So I dropped them. Scheduling for next semester is next Monday. I'm freaking out because I don't know what to take yet. =/ I'll figure it out though. Maybe something fun. I don't know.
So about a month ago I requested tickets to The Ellen Show...and I got them! I actually got the tickets! I can't believe it! My sister, Ashley, and I are flying to California on February 2nd and will be there until the 5th. I'm so happy! I love Ellen so much! But I'm freaking out because I've never been on a plane before. =S I hope it goes fine. All three of us are afraid of flying. XD This is going to be bad. lol
And so I found out recently that Joe is in a relationship. I don't know the girl, but I'm a bit sad. I waited too long to tell him how I felt. I guess that's what I get, right? But I guess it's okay, because...because I'm not over Ian yet.
There's a part of me that sometimes is okay with him being gone. But there are other days where I just feel like giving up because I don't have him in my life anymore. He was my support system. He gave me courage and the hope to keep pushing myself. But now that's gone. And I feel helpless. I feel like I'm going to fail without him. And it sucks. I just really miss him. And at the same time I hate him so much. How is this possible? I should hate him completely for living me for the 3rd time. But...I can't completely hate him. And I was going to spend my life with him. Now that high school is over it feels weird. I always had this plan that after I graduated we would run off together and live together and be happy. But it never came since he broke up with me at the end of my junior year. Of course, right? Right when it was almost time for us to happen...he left. He left Tennessee and moved to Florida. And it hurts. Because I have no way of speaking to him anymore. I just...I want to be with him. And I want to talk to him. But I can't. And it sucks. It kills me.
Well, now I'm getting myself down too much. Plus it's 4am and I have class in 7 hours. I should go to sleep. XD
Goodnight!
-Laura
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
#18
I can't help myself. When I get to feeling like this I start to look back on old conversations. And it's breaking my heart.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm just hurting more and more each day, because I know that there's no way in hell that you're coming back this time. And I keep lying to everyone and putting on a brave face. Hell, Alyssa is having relationship problems and keeps asking me how I got over you. And I don't have to the heart to tell her that I'm not over you.
It's killing me. You're the only person that I ever loved. The only person that I ever want to love. The only person who loves/loved me. And hell, I don't even know if you still think about me.
Because it's over. And I don't know why I can't move on yet.
-Laura
Thursday, October 13, 2011
#17 - Yesterday was the best day of my life.
And I'm not joking. I got the opportunity of a lifetime offered to me. I went to see my friend's in This Love play. And I was hanging out with Joe. And, well, here's how it went pretty much.
"I miss you guys so much!" -Me
"I know! I miss you a lot too! We never see each other anymore and I hate it!" -Joe
"I know. I'm just so broke and..." -Me
"I understand..." -Joe
-silence for a few seconds-
"Dude...why don't you come on tour and work for us? We'll pay you!" -Joe
"Um, what?" -Me
"Yeah!" -Joe
And that's how I got offered my dream job. I want to do it so bad. Really bad. SO REALLY BAD. I need to do this. This is THE opportunity. This can send me places. And I always wanted to go on tour with a band! OMG I HAVE TO DO THIS, RIGHT?! Right...Right?
-Laura
"I miss you guys so much!" -Me
"I know! I miss you a lot too! We never see each other anymore and I hate it!" -Joe
"I know. I'm just so broke and..." -Me
"I understand..." -Joe
-silence for a few seconds-
"Dude...why don't you come on tour and work for us? We'll pay you!" -Joe
"Um, what?" -Me
"Yeah!" -Joe
And that's how I got offered my dream job. I want to do it so bad. Really bad. SO REALLY BAD. I need to do this. This is THE opportunity. This can send me places. And I always wanted to go on tour with a band! OMG I HAVE TO DO THIS, RIGHT?! Right...Right?
-Laura
Monday, October 10, 2011
#16 - First all-nighter
Major college english paper #2 due in 9 hours.
It's finished, but not perfect.
I need it to be perfect.
Please be perfect.
It's about Matthew Leone and his attack so I hope I get a good grade on it.
-Laura
It's finished, but not perfect.
I need it to be perfect.
Please be perfect.
It's about Matthew Leone and his attack so I hope I get a good grade on it.
-Laura
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
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