The day has finally come. I started college on Monday. And let me say college is sooo much different than high school.
What I mean by that is...COLLEGE IS FUCKING AMAZING! I love EVERYTHING about NKU. The people, the campus, the teachers. Everything! College is the greatest thing and I'm so glad that I decided that I wanted to go! I feel great! :D
That's all I have right now, because I need sleep. I have an 11am class tomorrow! So goodnight! I'll post again soon!
-Laura
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
#4 - I like you...but I'm lost right now.
You are the most perfect person I have ever met. And I'm not just saying that because I think I could possibly be in love with you, let alone I already like you.
And it sucks because, I'm going to take a shot in the dark by saying this, you don't like me back. At least, I have a good feeling you don't. You're a musician. You're going to be extremely famous one day. And I'm just a girl, struggling to pass and pay for college. Do you see the problem here?
And so many people think that it's just this school girl crush or it's because you're practically famous. But the truth is...it's not that. When I met you I thought you were gorgeous and sweet. I've been with you guys since you started the band last year. And I've done everything I can to help you guys out. And through all of that...you and I become really good friends over the year. You're one of my best friends. And I love you. When we started to get to know each other I never thought that I would actually fall for you. And I didn't at first. I just thought you were a sweet guy that would be a good friend. But then it all changed last September.
I fell for you hard. When Sarah and I stopped being friends and I was really upset you texted me to make sure that I was okay. And you helped me feel better. You were like "I was just thinking about you and I thought I'd see how you were". And after we talked and you helped me through it...that's when I realized that I was starting to really like you.
And over this past year...the more and more I got to know you...the more I realized that I was falling in love with you. The more and more I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to hug me and to rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay. And when you "asked me out on a date" (I think I thought of it as something more than it was) I went home from that concert a happy girl. I vlogged and everything about how I was going on a "date" with Joe.
And then when you helped me through my breakup...when you stopped me from killing myself that night...I knew you were someone that I couldn't afford to lose. Someone that I need in my life. Someone that I want to be with.
And it sucks...because I'll never get the guts to tell you how I feel. I'll always be waiting in the sidelines as you move forward with your music and date all these hot guys, while I continue to stay ugly and support you band from afar.
I love you. And I wish I could tell you.
-Laura
And it sucks because, I'm going to take a shot in the dark by saying this, you don't like me back. At least, I have a good feeling you don't. You're a musician. You're going to be extremely famous one day. And I'm just a girl, struggling to pass and pay for college. Do you see the problem here?
And so many people think that it's just this school girl crush or it's because you're practically famous. But the truth is...it's not that. When I met you I thought you were gorgeous and sweet. I've been with you guys since you started the band last year. And I've done everything I can to help you guys out. And through all of that...you and I become really good friends over the year. You're one of my best friends. And I love you. When we started to get to know each other I never thought that I would actually fall for you. And I didn't at first. I just thought you were a sweet guy that would be a good friend. But then it all changed last September.
I fell for you hard. When Sarah and I stopped being friends and I was really upset you texted me to make sure that I was okay. And you helped me feel better. You were like "I was just thinking about you and I thought I'd see how you were". And after we talked and you helped me through it...that's when I realized that I was starting to really like you.
And over this past year...the more and more I got to know you...the more I realized that I was falling in love with you. The more and more I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to hug me and to rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay. And when you "asked me out on a date" (I think I thought of it as something more than it was) I went home from that concert a happy girl. I vlogged and everything about how I was going on a "date" with Joe.
And then when you helped me through my breakup...when you stopped me from killing myself that night...I knew you were someone that I couldn't afford to lose. Someone that I need in my life. Someone that I want to be with.
And it sucks...because I'll never get the guts to tell you how I feel. I'll always be waiting in the sidelines as you move forward with your music and date all these hot guys, while I continue to stay ugly and support you band from afar.
I love you. And I wish I could tell you.
-Laura
Thursday, August 18, 2011
#3 - I can't get you out of my head...why?
You know...I keep telling myself that I shouldn't miss you...but the truth is I do. I do miss you. Every little thing reminds me of you...and I can't get you out of my head. There's a little part of me that wants to reach out and talk to you...but I can't.
I can't do that to myself. So I won't. But it's hard. It really is. After spending 3 years...3 amazing years with you...it's hard to just completely drop you out of my life like that. But it's something I have to do. And I know that's the truth.
Gah, I just wish I had some answers. Answers to why you did all of this to me. I don't understand. And I guess I never will. I'm just...lost...and confused. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. How am I supposed to take the next step without you? You were there when I started high school...and you were there when I finished. How do I go on to college without you in my life?
I'm not sure what to do next...
-Laura
I can't do that to myself. So I won't. But it's hard. It really is. After spending 3 years...3 amazing years with you...it's hard to just completely drop you out of my life like that. But it's something I have to do. And I know that's the truth.
Gah, I just wish I had some answers. Answers to why you did all of this to me. I don't understand. And I guess I never will. I'm just...lost...and confused. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. How am I supposed to take the next step without you? You were there when I started high school...and you were there when I finished. How do I go on to college without you in my life?
I'm not sure what to do next...
-Laura
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
#2 - A lot of things have gone down.
So I guess I'll start with a legit blog entry now. The last time I actually wrote a blog (not on here, but on a different one) things were different. A lot of things have happened and changed over the past year. And I guess I'll just talk about it, because really...my head is kind of messed up right now and I really just want to get it out and see if I can figure things out for myself.
The last time I had written, Ian and I had broke up (April 2010) and I wanted to die. And that was how I left it. I bottled things up from then on. I hated myself, I hated everyone, and I wanted to be left alone. I couldn't be near people, because I hated them seeing me like that. And trust me...it wasn't a pretty sight. I was a mess. I was a completely non-hot mess. And I really wanted it to end. And I tried so hard to make it end; I really did. But, of course, I stopped and thought things over. And I tried to move on.
A few months after he left me; he came back. And he told me he loved me. And that he would never hurt me like that again. Of course, I believed him and took him back. And I thought things were going to go great. I was wrong. I was so wrong. Because the day after...he disappeared and I never heard from him again. He left me and took off with my smile, my heart, and every part of happiness I had left in me. I felt like I was losing this battle with myself. I wanted it to end so bad. But I had friends like Sarah and Ashley and Haley to help me get through it.
Yeah, well...friendships end. And apparently Sarah didn't think I was spending enough time with her and she left me too. The second person to walk out of my life in a 2 month span. Everything was falling apart. I was falling apart. I wasn't happy. I couldn't be happy. I didn't want to be happy. All I wanted was to go back to the times where Sarah was my best friend and Ian and I were completely in love and happy. But I'm not a time traveler and time travel doesn't exist so that didn't end up happening. Instead, I tried to move forward and I guess I did.
And then I fell in love. Actually, I don't think it was really love. I say it was, but I'm sure it was just a crush. But it sure did hurt when I got rejected by him. Adam B. was this cute and funny guy that I made friends with throughout the year. He and I had this secret handshake/high five thing. And I guess I started to fall for him. And when he asked me prom...I guess I took it more than it was. Of course, I didn't get to go to prom because I got sick. But still...I couldn't believe he asked me to prom.
And so the last week of school came...and I wrote him a note (yes, childish. I know) and told him that I liked him. And what did he do? He avoided me. You may ask how. Actually, I didn't want to believe he was avoiding me. And then I found out myself. I was in the lunchroom with Haley and Greg in line...and I turned around and he was walking in. He stared at me, I stared at him...and then he turned around and walked out. Completely avoided me. It hurt. I left the lunchroom and cried.
And then I got over it because boys are stupid. At least...most boys are. The boys that I know are stupid. Haha. So I moved on and the last day of high school came and went. I was surprisingly happy that it was over. High school was the worst/best time of my life. And even though I feel a bit nostalgic that it's over...I can't wait for college next Monday.
Anyways...so over a year had passed since Ian and I talked. And I never gave up on him. Deep down...I was still in love with him. And I wanted him. And then June 1st rolled around...and I was on IM talking to Kaitie. And then all of a sudden she stopped what we were doing and said "oh my god". And I was like "what?" And then she said "Ian just got online." And I had a heart attack. I checked and...there he was. I couldn't believe it. I started to shake and get choked up. I cried. Because the day I was waiting for for over a year finally came. He was back. Or was he?
So we talked. And I told him how bad he hurt me. And he apologized. And (I thought) we got back together. He told me loved me...and I was happy again. I really was. I thought that for the first time in a year that things were actually going to get better. That I was going to get better. Things didn't get better.
After talking to him for a few weeks...he stopped talking. And I wondered why. And I freaked out and thought he left me again. I guess I was right a little bit. Danny sent me a message and told me that it was all a big misunderstanding. That Ian didn't want a relationship with me again. He wanted to be friends. And it hurt. Because I wish he would have told me himself. And I wish he would have told me sooner. Instead of telling me that he loves me every night...he should of told me up front that we were just friends.
And so I yelled at Ian. And I cursed at him. And I completely freaked out. And I cried and got upset. And then Joe McFaddin from the band This Love texted me and asked me what's wrong. And we talked. And then he told me something I will never forget.
"Ahhh. well just to let you know... There is no boy deserving of your heart or time right now!! You have toooooooooooo much to do!! And too bright of a future :) No worries!!! The time will come :)"
And so it got me to thinking. He's right. Joe is completely right. I have too much to do to worry about boys. Hell, I'm going to college. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life before I worry about boys and marriage and all that stuff.
And so I wrote Ian a letter. And I guess I'll post that letter here too.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Ian,
This has to be the hardest letter I’ve ever written…because it’s the last letter I will ever write to you. I won’t be writing to you again after this. Ever. Because I can’t. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s not fair. So since this is the last letter I’ll just get everything out now. So be prepared for a book.
I’ve been leaving this open for days, coming back every once in a while to try and find the right words to say. And honestly…I really don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve never had to go through this before, because you are the only person I’ve ever been with; the only person that I ever truly needed. You were the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Forever and always. But…that’s not ever coming. Not because you won’t participate in it…but because I’m done with this. I’m ending it this time. For good.
That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. Because the truth is that I don’t 100% want to let go. But I have to. If I don’t…I’m gonna end up wasting my life. Because waiting for you…is KILLING me; literally. Nobody understands what I’ve truly been through this past year. They might think that they do…but they don’t know what went through my mind EVERY DAY. How many times I talked myself out of giving up and just letting go. It was the worst year of my life. But I managed. Because I held on to that little hope that you would come back for me. That you still loved me.
And then you came back. It took the longest time to realize that it was you online. I sat there, SHAKING and freaking out…because you were actually there. I waited a year for that moment. And I thought it was the best day of my life. The day that I got you back. The day things would start to go back to normal. They didn’t go that way, apparently. I guess what you meant was that you just wanted to be friends. It would have been nice if you told me that. Because I went all this time thinking that we were together again. I thought that when I hadn’t talked to you for a month that you were leaving me again. And I guess I was somewhat right. You did leave me. And I just wish you would have told me we were just friends. Every night we talked I told you “Goodnight, I love you” and you’d say “I love you too”. I don’t understand why you did that. If you didn’t love me or want to be with me again you shouldn’t have said it and told me right then…But no. You didn’t ever tell me. You told Danny.
And that’s what hurts more. I had to hear from DANNY and not YOU. And it sucks. Ashley was over that night I got that message from Danny telling me that it was all a misunderstanding…and he told me to just give up on you. And I tried so hard not to break down in front of her. She finally left and as I was walking to my room I lost it and collapsed right in the hallway. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what to do.
And that got me to thinking…was this whole relationship a lie? Did you actually love me and want to be with me? Or did you just want me to be happy? All along did you just want to be friends?
And then that go me thinking again that it couldn’t possibly have been a whole lie. Nobody would go on for 3 years in a relationship that didn’t mean anything. So it couldn’t be a lie, right? You loved me. And I loved you. More than anything. You meant the world to me, Ian.
And I thought that I had found that one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I did. I wanted nothing more than to be with you forever. And we even said forever. I planned on it. But not all plans go through, right? A lot end. And I guess this did. Because we’re not getting forever. Not with the way things are going now.
I don’t think you know what you want right now, Ian. And Danny even said so himself. He said that you’re so out of it and not sure right now, and that a relationship isn’t what you need. And he told me to give up on you. Give up on us. Give up on everything. And it took me the longest time to take that in…but I think that I have to. I don’t have any other choice. Because if I keep this up…this depression…I’m going to end up killing myself. And I’m not trying to sound bad by saying that, but it’s the truth. Because I am so lost right now. I’m shutting out everyone so that I don’t have to talk about you or this. And it’s not what I need. I’m losing this battle. I’m so afraid that it’s going to keep getting worse and worse, because it is. This past week I’ve called the suicide hotline 3 times because I needed help. Because I wanted reasons as to why I shouldn’t just end it.
And then I began to think again. If I ended it right then…it wouldn’t be good for you. Because the thing that I want most if for you to be happy. No matter how upset or angry I am right now…I want you to be happy. And I honestly don’t think you are right now. You’re pushing everyone away. You did that last year when you broke up with me. You pushed me away when you needed me most. And I tried to tell you that, but you didn’t get it. So you left for a year, thinking that it was for the best…when it wasn’t. I gave you everything. I was there for you the most. I never gave up on you for one second this past year. I held on and wanted nothing more than to help you, even when you didn’t want my help.
And then this happens. Now I’m back to that darkness that I went through last year. And knowing that this is the end…it’s just worse. It’s getting worse. And if I don’t get help…I’m not going to make it. Because thinking of life without you in it…it’s hard. I’ve always pictured you being there. Forever. But you’re not.
You know I had this whole trip planned out. After you came back and I thought we were together again I’ve been saving up to go to Florida sometime this year. To be with you. But I guess that’s not happening. No…no it’s not happening. I can’t. I can’t put myself up for disappointment.
And I guess that’s why I’m ending it for good. Because the more I wait, the more I realize that this isn’t going anywhere and I don’t think it ever will. Not with you being hundreds of miles away and not sure what you want anymore. It’s just not going to work and I need to realize that and try to get over it. It’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. Because for the past year I wanted nothing more than to be with you…and here I am ending it for good. It’s weird, right? I never thought that this would ever come out of me. I’ve been bottling it up for so long and now it’s out.
I love you, Ian. Don’t doubt for one minute that I don’t love you. You’re the most kind, loving, caring, amazing person that I know. And it kills me to have to do this, because I don’t honestly want to. But I HAVE to. Because I can’t hold on when you’re not holding on either. A relationship needs a lot of things. Trust, honestly, and both people do hold on. And you can’t have that if only one is doing it. And I just can’t anymore. Because so many people are telling me to give up. And for the first time ever…I’m listening to them. I’m letting go of you.
I will always love you, Ian. “You went from being a completely stranger, to my best friend, to the love of my life”. Sound familiar? That’s what you told me the day you broke up with me. You were my first love. And possibly the only one that I will ever have. Because knowing me I’m gonna hold everything in and not get out there again. Because I’ll be afraid of getting hurt again. Because I’m so tired of hurting. I’m tired of it.
And I guess because of all that hurting…that’s what’s leading me to this. The goodbye. Ian ever since the moment I met you I knew you were going to be someone special in my life. I never knew I would have fallen in love with you. I didn’t expect it. But I did. And then you fell for me too. And we were happy. I was reading old conversations that I had saved on here and it was one where I was like “I’m so mean” and you were like “Yeahhh” and I was like “You’re not supposed to say that! You’re supposed to say ‘No, no. You’re so nice’.” And you were like “..I love you =]” And after reading that I burst into tears, because I miss those times. I do. I miss them more than anything. And I would do anything to get them back. But I don’t know if there is ever any going back to that time. Not now. Not after everything.
And so this is it. This is the end. I don’t want to do it. Hell, I’m sitting here hyperventilating and considering just closing out of this, but I know I can’t. Because it’s what I have to do until you realize what you want. whether it’s me or someone else…I can’t wait in the dark like this. And one day you’ll figure it out. You’ll figure out who you want by you when all your dreams come true. And if it’s me…you’ll come find me. And if it’s someone else, well I hope they make you as happy as I tried to. No matter what I will always have a place for you in my heart, no matter who I’m with. You’ll always be that first love. That person that I really did want next to me when all my dreams came true. But I have to let go. Because if I don’t…then I might miss out on someone who’s really going to be there for me. And hell, maybe it’s you. Maybe one day you and I will work out. But I won’t know unless I let go now and let you and I figure out what we truly want and need.
I love you. Forever and always, okay? Never doubt that for a moment. You’ll always mean something special to me. And I’ll always be here, okay? Maybe not in the way that you think…but I’ll always be that shoulder to lean on until you realize what you need. I’ll be your friend. But that’s all I can be right now. Only time will tell and lead us to where we’re supposed to be. Maybe it’s together…maybe it’s not. You just need some time to realize what you want. I’ll always be a few clicks away if you ever need a friend to talk to. And I will always love you. But I’m letting go so you can realize what you want. And so I can realize what I need.
I love you, Ian. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find what you’re looking for and what you need; even if it’s not me.
Love Forever,
Laura
----------------------------------------------------
And so that's how I ended it. For good. And right now...I actually feel okay. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because I ended it and I realized that it wasn't working.
Anyhow. I'm ready to move on. To start fresh. And on Monday I'm going to do that. I promise myself...that when I leave college...I'm going to be a completely different person. A strong person. A confident person. A person who knows what I want.
-Laura
The last time I had written, Ian and I had broke up (April 2010) and I wanted to die. And that was how I left it. I bottled things up from then on. I hated myself, I hated everyone, and I wanted to be left alone. I couldn't be near people, because I hated them seeing me like that. And trust me...it wasn't a pretty sight. I was a mess. I was a completely non-hot mess. And I really wanted it to end. And I tried so hard to make it end; I really did. But, of course, I stopped and thought things over. And I tried to move on.
A few months after he left me; he came back. And he told me he loved me. And that he would never hurt me like that again. Of course, I believed him and took him back. And I thought things were going to go great. I was wrong. I was so wrong. Because the day after...he disappeared and I never heard from him again. He left me and took off with my smile, my heart, and every part of happiness I had left in me. I felt like I was losing this battle with myself. I wanted it to end so bad. But I had friends like Sarah and Ashley and Haley to help me get through it.
Yeah, well...friendships end. And apparently Sarah didn't think I was spending enough time with her and she left me too. The second person to walk out of my life in a 2 month span. Everything was falling apart. I was falling apart. I wasn't happy. I couldn't be happy. I didn't want to be happy. All I wanted was to go back to the times where Sarah was my best friend and Ian and I were completely in love and happy. But I'm not a time traveler and time travel doesn't exist so that didn't end up happening. Instead, I tried to move forward and I guess I did.
And then I fell in love. Actually, I don't think it was really love. I say it was, but I'm sure it was just a crush. But it sure did hurt when I got rejected by him. Adam B. was this cute and funny guy that I made friends with throughout the year. He and I had this secret handshake/high five thing. And I guess I started to fall for him. And when he asked me prom...I guess I took it more than it was. Of course, I didn't get to go to prom because I got sick. But still...I couldn't believe he asked me to prom.
And so the last week of school came...and I wrote him a note (yes, childish. I know) and told him that I liked him. And what did he do? He avoided me. You may ask how. Actually, I didn't want to believe he was avoiding me. And then I found out myself. I was in the lunchroom with Haley and Greg in line...and I turned around and he was walking in. He stared at me, I stared at him...and then he turned around and walked out. Completely avoided me. It hurt. I left the lunchroom and cried.
And then I got over it because boys are stupid. At least...most boys are. The boys that I know are stupid. Haha. So I moved on and the last day of high school came and went. I was surprisingly happy that it was over. High school was the worst/best time of my life. And even though I feel a bit nostalgic that it's over...I can't wait for college next Monday.
Anyways...so over a year had passed since Ian and I talked. And I never gave up on him. Deep down...I was still in love with him. And I wanted him. And then June 1st rolled around...and I was on IM talking to Kaitie. And then all of a sudden she stopped what we were doing and said "oh my god". And I was like "what?" And then she said "Ian just got online." And I had a heart attack. I checked and...there he was. I couldn't believe it. I started to shake and get choked up. I cried. Because the day I was waiting for for over a year finally came. He was back. Or was he?
So we talked. And I told him how bad he hurt me. And he apologized. And (I thought) we got back together. He told me loved me...and I was happy again. I really was. I thought that for the first time in a year that things were actually going to get better. That I was going to get better. Things didn't get better.
After talking to him for a few weeks...he stopped talking. And I wondered why. And I freaked out and thought he left me again. I guess I was right a little bit. Danny sent me a message and told me that it was all a big misunderstanding. That Ian didn't want a relationship with me again. He wanted to be friends. And it hurt. Because I wish he would have told me himself. And I wish he would have told me sooner. Instead of telling me that he loves me every night...he should of told me up front that we were just friends.
And so I yelled at Ian. And I cursed at him. And I completely freaked out. And I cried and got upset. And then Joe McFaddin from the band This Love texted me and asked me what's wrong. And we talked. And then he told me something I will never forget.
"Ahhh. well just to let you know... There is no boy deserving of your heart or time right now!! You have toooooooooooo much to do!! And too bright of a future :) No worries!!! The time will come :)"
And so it got me to thinking. He's right. Joe is completely right. I have too much to do to worry about boys. Hell, I'm going to college. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life before I worry about boys and marriage and all that stuff.
And so I wrote Ian a letter. And I guess I'll post that letter here too.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Ian,
This has to be the hardest letter I’ve ever written…because it’s the last letter I will ever write to you. I won’t be writing to you again after this. Ever. Because I can’t. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s not fair. So since this is the last letter I’ll just get everything out now. So be prepared for a book.
I’ve been leaving this open for days, coming back every once in a while to try and find the right words to say. And honestly…I really don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve never had to go through this before, because you are the only person I’ve ever been with; the only person that I ever truly needed. You were the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Forever and always. But…that’s not ever coming. Not because you won’t participate in it…but because I’m done with this. I’m ending it this time. For good.
That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. Because the truth is that I don’t 100% want to let go. But I have to. If I don’t…I’m gonna end up wasting my life. Because waiting for you…is KILLING me; literally. Nobody understands what I’ve truly been through this past year. They might think that they do…but they don’t know what went through my mind EVERY DAY. How many times I talked myself out of giving up and just letting go. It was the worst year of my life. But I managed. Because I held on to that little hope that you would come back for me. That you still loved me.
And then you came back. It took the longest time to realize that it was you online. I sat there, SHAKING and freaking out…because you were actually there. I waited a year for that moment. And I thought it was the best day of my life. The day that I got you back. The day things would start to go back to normal. They didn’t go that way, apparently. I guess what you meant was that you just wanted to be friends. It would have been nice if you told me that. Because I went all this time thinking that we were together again. I thought that when I hadn’t talked to you for a month that you were leaving me again. And I guess I was somewhat right. You did leave me. And I just wish you would have told me we were just friends. Every night we talked I told you “Goodnight, I love you” and you’d say “I love you too”. I don’t understand why you did that. If you didn’t love me or want to be with me again you shouldn’t have said it and told me right then…But no. You didn’t ever tell me. You told Danny.
And that’s what hurts more. I had to hear from DANNY and not YOU. And it sucks. Ashley was over that night I got that message from Danny telling me that it was all a misunderstanding…and he told me to just give up on you. And I tried so hard not to break down in front of her. She finally left and as I was walking to my room I lost it and collapsed right in the hallway. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what to do.
And that got me to thinking…was this whole relationship a lie? Did you actually love me and want to be with me? Or did you just want me to be happy? All along did you just want to be friends?
And then that go me thinking again that it couldn’t possibly have been a whole lie. Nobody would go on for 3 years in a relationship that didn’t mean anything. So it couldn’t be a lie, right? You loved me. And I loved you. More than anything. You meant the world to me, Ian.
And I thought that I had found that one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I did. I wanted nothing more than to be with you forever. And we even said forever. I planned on it. But not all plans go through, right? A lot end. And I guess this did. Because we’re not getting forever. Not with the way things are going now.
I don’t think you know what you want right now, Ian. And Danny even said so himself. He said that you’re so out of it and not sure right now, and that a relationship isn’t what you need. And he told me to give up on you. Give up on us. Give up on everything. And it took me the longest time to take that in…but I think that I have to. I don’t have any other choice. Because if I keep this up…this depression…I’m going to end up killing myself. And I’m not trying to sound bad by saying that, but it’s the truth. Because I am so lost right now. I’m shutting out everyone so that I don’t have to talk about you or this. And it’s not what I need. I’m losing this battle. I’m so afraid that it’s going to keep getting worse and worse, because it is. This past week I’ve called the suicide hotline 3 times because I needed help. Because I wanted reasons as to why I shouldn’t just end it.
And then I began to think again. If I ended it right then…it wouldn’t be good for you. Because the thing that I want most if for you to be happy. No matter how upset or angry I am right now…I want you to be happy. And I honestly don’t think you are right now. You’re pushing everyone away. You did that last year when you broke up with me. You pushed me away when you needed me most. And I tried to tell you that, but you didn’t get it. So you left for a year, thinking that it was for the best…when it wasn’t. I gave you everything. I was there for you the most. I never gave up on you for one second this past year. I held on and wanted nothing more than to help you, even when you didn’t want my help.
And then this happens. Now I’m back to that darkness that I went through last year. And knowing that this is the end…it’s just worse. It’s getting worse. And if I don’t get help…I’m not going to make it. Because thinking of life without you in it…it’s hard. I’ve always pictured you being there. Forever. But you’re not.
You know I had this whole trip planned out. After you came back and I thought we were together again I’ve been saving up to go to Florida sometime this year. To be with you. But I guess that’s not happening. No…no it’s not happening. I can’t. I can’t put myself up for disappointment.
And I guess that’s why I’m ending it for good. Because the more I wait, the more I realize that this isn’t going anywhere and I don’t think it ever will. Not with you being hundreds of miles away and not sure what you want anymore. It’s just not going to work and I need to realize that and try to get over it. It’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. Because for the past year I wanted nothing more than to be with you…and here I am ending it for good. It’s weird, right? I never thought that this would ever come out of me. I’ve been bottling it up for so long and now it’s out.
I love you, Ian. Don’t doubt for one minute that I don’t love you. You’re the most kind, loving, caring, amazing person that I know. And it kills me to have to do this, because I don’t honestly want to. But I HAVE to. Because I can’t hold on when you’re not holding on either. A relationship needs a lot of things. Trust, honestly, and both people do hold on. And you can’t have that if only one is doing it. And I just can’t anymore. Because so many people are telling me to give up. And for the first time ever…I’m listening to them. I’m letting go of you.
I will always love you, Ian. “You went from being a completely stranger, to my best friend, to the love of my life”. Sound familiar? That’s what you told me the day you broke up with me. You were my first love. And possibly the only one that I will ever have. Because knowing me I’m gonna hold everything in and not get out there again. Because I’ll be afraid of getting hurt again. Because I’m so tired of hurting. I’m tired of it.
And I guess because of all that hurting…that’s what’s leading me to this. The goodbye. Ian ever since the moment I met you I knew you were going to be someone special in my life. I never knew I would have fallen in love with you. I didn’t expect it. But I did. And then you fell for me too. And we were happy. I was reading old conversations that I had saved on here and it was one where I was like “I’m so mean” and you were like “Yeahhh” and I was like “You’re not supposed to say that! You’re supposed to say ‘No, no. You’re so nice’.” And you were like “..I love you =]” And after reading that I burst into tears, because I miss those times. I do. I miss them more than anything. And I would do anything to get them back. But I don’t know if there is ever any going back to that time. Not now. Not after everything.
And so this is it. This is the end. I don’t want to do it. Hell, I’m sitting here hyperventilating and considering just closing out of this, but I know I can’t. Because it’s what I have to do until you realize what you want. whether it’s me or someone else…I can’t wait in the dark like this. And one day you’ll figure it out. You’ll figure out who you want by you when all your dreams come true. And if it’s me…you’ll come find me. And if it’s someone else, well I hope they make you as happy as I tried to. No matter what I will always have a place for you in my heart, no matter who I’m with. You’ll always be that first love. That person that I really did want next to me when all my dreams came true. But I have to let go. Because if I don’t…then I might miss out on someone who’s really going to be there for me. And hell, maybe it’s you. Maybe one day you and I will work out. But I won’t know unless I let go now and let you and I figure out what we truly want and need.
I love you. Forever and always, okay? Never doubt that for a moment. You’ll always mean something special to me. And I’ll always be here, okay? Maybe not in the way that you think…but I’ll always be that shoulder to lean on until you realize what you need. I’ll be your friend. But that’s all I can be right now. Only time will tell and lead us to where we’re supposed to be. Maybe it’s together…maybe it’s not. You just need some time to realize what you want. I’ll always be a few clicks away if you ever need a friend to talk to. And I will always love you. But I’m letting go so you can realize what you want. And so I can realize what I need.
I love you, Ian. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find what you’re looking for and what you need; even if it’s not me.
Love Forever,
Laura
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And so that's how I ended it. For good. And right now...I actually feel okay. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because I ended it and I realized that it wasn't working.
Anyhow. I'm ready to move on. To start fresh. And on Monday I'm going to do that. I promise myself...that when I leave college...I'm going to be a completely different person. A strong person. A confident person. A person who knows what I want.
-Laura
Monday, August 15, 2011
#1 - Time For Change
You know I've started so many blogs in my life and each time...they don't really end up being a blog. Usually I just post a bunch of pictures or reblog something from someone else. But this time...I don't know. I want something that means something to me. I want to be able to get everything I'm feeling out and stop bottling it up on the inside. I'm starting college next Monday. It's time to grow up and change. And I guess by having a blog like this...maybe it'll help me change. I hope so, at least.
So here's to change and a new start. To my journey through college. To the new friends I'll make. To the old friends that I'll keep. To my mentors that are going to guide me through this step by step and help me into adulthood. I'm ready. I'm ready to take the next step. I'm done with high school. If you asked me 2 months ago I probably would have had a different answer. But now...now that everything is sinking in. I'm ready. I'm ready to push the old aside and start new.
My goals for this school year? To work hard. This isn't high school anymore. I can't just be like "Meh, I don't feel like doing this homework assignment". No. I HAVE to do well. I have to do well so I can get that degree and start my new life. I want to be successful. I want to be able to prove to everyone that I'm not going to follow in the footsteps of my family before me. I'm going to be different. I'm not going to change for anyone. I'm not going to be someone they want me to be. I'm going to be me. And I'm going to do things my way.
Plans for the next few months? Land a job, work hard for a bit, and move out. It's not that I want to abandon everyone here. But the truth is...for me to do what I need to do...I need to get out of here. I can't keep living here at my parent's house when I'm almost 18 and in college. I need to do things for myself. Yeah, it might take a little bit...but it's something I have to do. And I have my friend's to back me up if I need it.
So to end this; yeah...I'm gonna change. But I'm changing for me. And nobody else. College is a whole new experience. It's the next step into my life. And I'm going to work hard. I have to. For myself. And for my dreams.
-Laura
So here's to change and a new start. To my journey through college. To the new friends I'll make. To the old friends that I'll keep. To my mentors that are going to guide me through this step by step and help me into adulthood. I'm ready. I'm ready to take the next step. I'm done with high school. If you asked me 2 months ago I probably would have had a different answer. But now...now that everything is sinking in. I'm ready. I'm ready to push the old aside and start new.
My goals for this school year? To work hard. This isn't high school anymore. I can't just be like "Meh, I don't feel like doing this homework assignment". No. I HAVE to do well. I have to do well so I can get that degree and start my new life. I want to be successful. I want to be able to prove to everyone that I'm not going to follow in the footsteps of my family before me. I'm going to be different. I'm not going to change for anyone. I'm not going to be someone they want me to be. I'm going to be me. And I'm going to do things my way.
Plans for the next few months? Land a job, work hard for a bit, and move out. It's not that I want to abandon everyone here. But the truth is...for me to do what I need to do...I need to get out of here. I can't keep living here at my parent's house when I'm almost 18 and in college. I need to do things for myself. Yeah, it might take a little bit...but it's something I have to do. And I have my friend's to back me up if I need it.
So to end this; yeah...I'm gonna change. But I'm changing for me. And nobody else. College is a whole new experience. It's the next step into my life. And I'm going to work hard. I have to. For myself. And for my dreams.
-Laura
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